It’s the mid-point of NaBloPoMo (or NaNoWriMo, NaNoPhoMo, NaNoDrawMo, or whatever you’re doing) and it’s wearing me down a bit. I’m proud of what I’ve done so far, and just the fact that I’ve stuck with it, but it’s a daily task that takes a lot of thought and energy, and takes some time away from the other projects I’m working on—not to mention preparing for our trip for the Holiday. Who was the brainiac who said “The holiday season isn’t stressful enough. I know what let’s do! Let’s take on a massive writing project at the same time!”
What’s making things more complicated this year is current events. Since I have a blog and I’m in the middle of a writing project, I feel like I have not only the opportunity, but the obligation, to say something about the recent attacks, in Paris, Lebanon, Kenya, wherever they are (there are entirely too many of them happening!). And not just to say something, but to ideally say something deep, and meaningful, and profane.—I mean, profound. (Sorry, old joke.)
But I don’t really want to. I have enough trouble sorting out how I feel about it all (other than pure heartbreak), never mind trying to put it into words. I’m not sure what I would say, and nothing really seems to cut it. Nothing is good enough, and I have too much fear: fear of saying something stupid, or offensive, or just ignorant or naive, never mind something accidentally insulting or racist or privileged. I’ve looked at Facebook and seen the various things written there and I just want to run away screaming. Not that it’s all that bad, I just don’t want to get into it.
I’ve always grappled with how much news I should expose myself to. One major reason my husband and I left DC and moved to Los Angeles is because we love entertainment and we hate politics. It depresses me to read what’s happening in the world. But at the same time, I don’t want to be completely ignorant of it. I feel it’s my duty to at least be aware of what’s happening, even if I rarely feel there’s anything I can do about it. But it’s important to know so that a) if there is something you can do, then you’re able to help, and b) so that history—hopefully—won’t repeat itself.
But it just makes me want to crawl into a hole. Build a little fort out of blankets, take my kittens in there with me (and maybe a TV/DVD player), and hide out till it all passes.
I know that’s not the best thing to do, but it’s such an overwhelming feeling.
So I doubt this is very deep or profane, or profound (though I could more easily fix the former of those two than the latter), and compared to all the heartbreak and terror and social injustice happening in the world right now, it feels so frivolous to just post cat videos and gifs and complain about how awkward I feel about it. I certainly don’t mean to trivialize anything. But we all need to deal with things as best we can for ourselves, and at least I’m getting something onto the page. I guess that’s a small kind of accomplishment, isn’t it?